If you did that out of sheer boredom or distress, please stop. Remember that what you’re getting into doesn’t revolve around you. It never will. It isn’t a self-discovery project. You’re just a small part of the picture, a single piece in the puzzle. I’d like to know if you’ve fallen in love with it the same way I did, for three years now. Know that it will be your first priority, everything else comes second. You’ll have to invest more than what you can afford. 

I’m not lecturing on the things you should do once you get what you want. I do not know your real intentions, but I’m afraid, this will be one of the things you’ll do to earn points in your own race. How egocentric you’ve become scares me. That’s what you’re coming across as. 

I’m jumping into conclusions, I know. I’m apologizing as early as now.

I’m sorry but you will never have my support.

So I’ve been obsessed, no, more than obsessed (what’s the right word, hmm, ardent?), with this guy. Yeah, read all my posts tagged with him. I don’t know why I’m making this decision at 1:20 AM, just when Valentine’s Day has just ended. I didn’t see anything, nor did I do something to let him know what I really feel. He didn’t bring a date, too. 

So why am I raising the white flag now? It’s in the wee hours of the morning that bitter realizations cross my mind — that no matter what I do, or don’t do, he will never see me the way I see him. 

Sucks right? No. I admit I can’t forget everything in one night, not even in a week or in a month. I’ll just let my feelings run its own course, my heart move on at its own pace (first thing’s first, I need a lot of luck and courage with this because I’ve been trying to move on for more than a year). But I’ll always be happy to see him. It’s just a state of mind, imposing the harsh reality that he won’t like me ever. Making myself realize and adjust everyday, subtracting ample significance from one nakakakilig moment at a time. 

So help me god.

…is what I got from this fortune cookie my grandma gave me. 

It’s nice how I’m in a point in my life where I’m actually satisfied with how independent (or less dependent) I am. It’s not that I’m trying to live my life and do things alone. It’s just that, I think I’m over the phase where I rely on my parents (or any other people) so much. I turned 20 last December and actually doing things by myself is actually helping me be an adult. 

Well, my grandma asked me if I already have a boyfriend so independence is different in her context. Haha. 

cheriper:

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I wrote myself a letter exactly a year ago. I didn’t know I sent myself one. Hahaha. Good thing I’m still using the same email. Anyway, here’s the letter. Sorry if it’s in Filipino, I wanted to preserve how I sounded like back then. This letter is definitely one for the keeps. 

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed 11 months and 30 days ago, on January 03, 2011. It is being delivered from the past through FutureMe.org

Dear Mich of 2012 (or baka naman may bago ka na naman nickname hahaha),

Kamusta ang 2011? Mas okay ba sa 2010? Kamusta studies? Pinayagan ka ba ng department sa pagkarami-raming waiver? Sana pinayagan ka. Kasi hanggang ngayon, di alam nila Papa na kasabay mo na si Camille grumaduate. Kung hindi man napayagan, sana nasabi mo na sa kanila. Kayang-kaya mo yan. Ano pinagkaiba ng 2013 sa 2014 di ba? :)

—- mas okay ang acads, mas okay pa rin 2010 at di ko pa rin nasasabi @__@ uh-oh DI AKO PINAYAGAN MAGWAIVER T___T

Eh mga kaibigan mo kamusta? Ngayon, 656 friends mo sa Facebook, nadagdagan ba sila? Nakapag-apply ka pa ba sa ibang org? Alam ko plano mo pa rin mag-RCY eh.

— 889 friends and counting :> :> :> MARAMI AKONG NAKILALANG AWESOME PEOPLE SA 2011 :”> Nag-apply at nagdefer ako sa AdCore T___T Nagdefer din ako sa RCY. :)) Nagdefer din sa Eng’g Soc. Pero naging ARISE ako this year. :”>

Kamusta yung ALCHEMES? Pang-ilan kayo sa Eng’g Week? Nanalo ba kayo sa EOEA? :) At kamusta Miss Eng’g? Sino pala naging Miss ALCHEMES 2011? Nagmommy ka pa rin ba?

—- Masaya ang ALCHEMES as always, 8th kami :> Si Donatan ang nag-Miss Engg. And yes, mommy niya ko. :)) Yun lang ginawa ko sa Engg Week sorry. :)) 1st runner up sa EOEA. :<

Musta na classmates at ChE friends mo? Sana wala ng nagshift. Saya kaya sa ChE. >:)

— ChE pa rin lahat ng close and important friends ko na ChE nung 2011 :>

How about the ever awesome MakSci people? Sino-sino na yung graduating? Buo pa rin ba yung tambayan? :)

— Ang dami nila shet. At mamimiss ko sila. T__T Kumakain pa rin kami ng lunch together sa tambayan :)

Yung barkada? Buo pa rin kayo? Natuloy ba ang summer getaway? Bestfriend mo pa rin ba si Leslee?

— Oo naman! Gumala kami nung Christmas! Di natuloy ang summer chuchu. :)) Pero bestfriend ko pa rin si Leslee. :”>

Yung family mo (natin) kamusta na? Saan kayo nagbakasyon for summer? Sembreak? Christmas?

— Bigger!!! And so much happier kahit sa tabi-tabi lang ang getaways ;)

Nakabili ka na ba ng Corgi? Hehe. Mga pets natin kamusta na?

— Pulubi ako ng 2011. Hahaha. Tatlo pa rin pets natin. :)

Hmmm. Kamusta na kayo ni *AHEM*? Kagabi halos ayaw mo na siya maging kaibigan. Di ka bitter alam ko. Pero di mo magets kung bakit siya naging ganun sa ‘yo. Sana ok na kayo. Ang cool kaya ng friendship niyo bago magpasukan (second sem). Kung hindi naman, ayos lang yan. HAHAHA. Mas gwapo ka dun. ;)

— Crush ko pa rin siya. :)) Kabanas. Mas gwapo pa rin ako. :)))))) PERO SERYOSO GUSTO KO PA RIN SIYA. At at at sana di niya ‘to nababasa.

Natupad mo ba yung wag magmura resolution mo? Sana. Alam mo naman na walang nagmumura sa ‘tin. Tsk.

— Sorry old self. :))

May napuntahan ka ba na concerts nung 2011? Deftones? Bruno Mars? Coheed and Cambria? Yellowcard? Dapat napuntahan mo kahit isa lang sa mga yan. Hahaha.

— Local concerts lang. Pulubi talaga eh. :<

May nadagdag ba sa babies mo? Si Yuri kamusta? Nakuha mo na ba uli si Fudge?

— Wala. T___T Si Yuri, sira na battery. Si Fudge, di ko na nakuha ever. T__T

AY KAMUSTA NBA? Sino nagchampion? Tennis? Grabe, sana di ka naging jinx. HAHAHA. :))

— Dallas nagchampion. Magandang year for Djoko. :| At naging jinx ako nang ilang beses demmit. 

O ayan na lang muna, pakabait ka lalo ah. :P Gagawa pa ko ng tula sa MPs 10. Hehehe.

— 1.75 ako sa MPs 10. HAHAHA. 

Nagmamahal, 
Mich from 2011

I’ll write myself another one this weekend. Just to update 2013 Mich with how 2012 went for me. :))

“Still awake?”

Who cares if it’s a group message? I sound so pathetic, I want to stab myself with this fork I’m using to eat my spaghetti. 

Anyway, here’s a backstory.

There comes a point in time when I’m bound for a relapse. I take a small step forward and think that I am going for a big leap. I get all giddy excited for what’s ahead, pretending I’m not bothered with what I left behind. Or what left me. One small step for me, one giant leap for moving on. Yeah self, go tell that to the cruel remarks you’ve been unknowingly throwing whenever they bring it up. I flash a smile hoping it puts this wall around me so meddlers would just stop. And when I make a comment about it, people would respond, “you’re bitter.” And I’m like, “fuck you, try to be in my place and see how you can handle it.”

Because no matter how hard I try, how much convenient it is for me to pretend that I do not care, I do. 

How many times will I screw up?