Today marks the 25th day. Promises are promises.
Songs on queue:
- Goodbye
- I Never Told You
- Before I Let You Go
- If The Feeling Is Gone
- Almost Over You
- Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough
- I Love You, Goodbye
Mehehe.
Clarification on the tweet above: I never expected anything when I started liking him. I was just idly in love. ~unrequited love~
If given the chance, I would ask you out.
Not out on a gooey romantic dinner in a restaurant. Not a movie date. Just a spontaneous I-don’t-care-if-we-have-class-tomorrow get-together. We’d go to a place we’ve never heard of before. We won’t bring our wallets, just enough change to buy us some hot dogs at a kiosk we’ll pass by. We’d only bring a sleeping bag, a tent and a polaroid camera. Forget toiletries, you’d want nature to be our perfume. ‘Cept for a toothbrush, that’s a must.
You won’t pick me up at my house because you know my dad won’t allow me to go out with you. We’d meetup somewhere else instead, a gas station perhaps.
We’d go to a bus or train station, and we’d backpack to the first place we see with trees, we’d play “Zitch dog” on the way. We’d eat roasted marshmallows, or starve ourselves because we have no idea how to start a bonfire. We’d put off putting the tent up because we’re both lazy to even try assembling it.
And as the sun begins to hide, we’d take pictures of it at 10 second intervals. We’d write the first adjective that comes to mind at the back of the photo.
When night time comes, we’d be watching the stars wink back at us as we try to count them (haha impossible I know). We’d release our inner geeks and have a constellation naming contest. Loser gets a poorly drawn mustache with a marker.
We’d sleep if you want to. I’ve got tons of ghost stories to share anyway. I’d even print pictures of your favorite ghosts, just for the lulz.
Actually, I would just want to keep you awake. So we could talk. I like talking. Talking to you, of course, is my favorite. Nothing’s scripted. Ideas and thoughts are all fluid. I’d slip in an “I love you” and cross my fingers you won’t hear me. We’d laugh at today and forget tomorrow.
Or you know, we could ditch all that and travel forever if only I own a trailer.
If given the chance, I would ask you out.
Because I’m assuming you’d say yes.
First of all, I’m passing this photo as a cover to yet again a supposedly and self-proclaimed anticipated “tell us again how you’re moving on” post.
I’ve been really busy this week, it’s the campaign period for college and university elections and as director for publicity for our (political) organization, take a good guess of what I’ve been doing for almost five hours a day.
To be honest, only three things have been on my mind lately: (1) to shift or not to shift (though I’ve decided to stay, I have to be realistic and really have a solid backup plan, just in case) and academics (I’m serious); (2) the amount of pub materials I have to pass every day; and (3) him.
You see, I’ve been campaigning for a friend (for our organization’s presidential position) and it’s been hard for me since he’s on the other side. We’re both “campaign managers”, thing is, we’re rooting for opposing candidates. And whenever I post a testimonial of some sort for my candidate and he releases one for his team, I die a little inside. Haha. Anxiety attacks every time he posts something. But priorities are priorities and at that moment, sorry but I’m choosing my friend over him.
This shouldn’t be an issue, right? Since I’m technically moving on. NO. Like I said, it can’t be done overnight.
I still feel sad whenever I see him so down (which people say I’m the only one who noticed), even if I don’t know his reasons. I’m secretly rooting for him in every thing he participates in. I still smile when he flashes a smile. I get a mini heart attack when he arrives. Shallow indications of how I’m deeply infatuated attracted in love with him.
Looking back exactly a year ago, I asked him to always have time to eat with me, go home with me, because I was avoiding this guy (pretending that I didn’t really like this guy. For this post’s purpose, let’s call the second guy, guy and “campaign manager” guy as him or he.) I don’t know why but he somehow agreed since yeah, we did always eat together (for a week I think before guy found out that I like him) and went home together (again, not the same house hehe). Long story short, we were really not that close (not anymore) in that time frame. I even remember him making a remark, “ang gulo niyo talaga haha”.
And just like this, everything felt like the beginning again. I even made jokes about him being my boyfriend, to the extent that people actually believed me. Our org calendar contained our monthsary - March 2, dubbed as Mich & *his name* coupling. ♥
Anyhow, when guy told me guy already knew how I felt, guy said guy knew I was faking it because he isn’t boyfriend material, “immature kaya siya.”
I cringed at guy’s opinions because I knew how untrue they were.
One thing I regret about liking second guy is that missed opportunity of reconnecting and somehow building a friendship again with “campaign manager”. Second guy made a comment about me not moving on with first guy. Truth be told, I was lying when I said I no longer liked first guy at that time.
Fast forward to today and we’re five days away from our pseudo-anniversary.
What I actually want to get by the end of this is how close we were back then. I know this is near impossible to achieve but hey, people change.
But right now, I guess I can’t do this if I can’t instill separation between us, necessary time away from him (HAHA as if we talk on a daily basis and say hi’s and hello’s every now and then, for my sake, let’s pretend we do.).
I’m keeping my fingers crossed I’ll have my friend back at the end of all this. After all, love is beginning and love is ending. :)
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO US, PSEUDO (BUT I REALLY WANT HIM TO BE) BOYFRIEND EVEN IF I DON’T EXIST TO YOU, ANYMORE.
Mabuti pang umiwas, pero salamat na rin at nagtagpo…
Minsan iniisip ko talaga kung bakit kita gusto. Hinahanapan kita ng mali, ng panget na ugali, para lang mapilit ko ‘yung sarili ko na huwag magkagusto sa ‘yo. Sa totoo lang, ikaw kasi ‘yung tipo ng tao na mahirap na kapag nagustuhan. Ikaw yung tipo na umiiwas at kumakalimot sa pinagsamahan. Puro pasaring at pahapyaw na pagpaparamdam lang naman ginagawa ko ngayon. Kung maaari nga, wala talaga. Walang koneksyon, walang oras para magbonding, walang kahit ano. Mas madali kumalas at umayaw. Pero ewan ko kung anong meron ka at ang lakas ng tama ko kahit halos hindi na tayo nagpapansinan. Kahit hindi mo ko pinapansin. Kahit hindi na tayo tulad ng dati.
Oo, dati.
‘Yung mga panahon na kayang-kaya kita lapitan, suntukin sa balikat tapos tatawanan mo lang ako. ‘Yung mga panahon na pupwede pa kita itext para lang hintayin mo ko sa MRT, kahit malayo ka na sa UP at paalis pa lang ako. Tawagan natin, “sista” at “brotha”. Kasi wala kang ate at wala rin naman ako kapatid na lalaki. Ganun dati eh. Walang ilangan at isnaban. Basta masaya tayo na magkasama.
Siguro nga nasa isip ko lang lahat nang nangyari noon. Kung paano tayo nagkakilala at nagkapalagayan ng loob. Kung paano tayo naging malapit sa isa’t isa at kung paano nagsimula lahat. Oo, iniisip ko lang nga yata ‘yun.
‘Yun na lang din iniisip ko — na gawa-gawa lang ng utak ko lahat ng mga nangyari dati. Para hindi na ko mainis sa sarili ko kasi gusto pa rin kita kahit wala na lahat ng alaalang pwedeng dahilan kung bakit nga talaga patay na patay pa rin ako.
Hinanapan kita ng mali sa ugali, sa katawan, sa lahat. Marami akong nakita. Pero kahit pagsama-samahin ko sila, walang kaya magpaalis ng nararamdaman ko sa ‘yo.
Sana kahit kaunti, mapansin mo na namimiss na kita.
By
Remove yourself, physically. Change time zones and continents or lock yourself away in your bedroom or do anything that will limit your contact with the person you usually pass hours, days, weeks with. Do it because you have to, because today you need to see something new or today you need to see no one. Isolate yourself until you’re lonely and not just alone, until you can’t stand to stay away any longer, until you begin to wonder why you holed up in this jail cell in the first place. Everything, everywhere will feel like a jail cell.
Or remove yourself, mentally. Challenge the distance between your two minds; pick an empty argument so that its frayed resolution can loom in the void you’ve created. Harp on the memory of particular days, days that seem ancient now, days you spent together like that Indian summer when you took an hours-long drive and the people and things inside of the car glowed like trophies trapped in a permanent golden hour. Remember the things you said to each other on that car ride, remember the night that followed it and miss that person. Where did that person go?
Take inventory of your life and note what’s gone missing. The easy company. The long talks. The unblinking, all-knowing eye contact. These are things you now know exist but had never taken special notice of before. Now they’re showing up to take you to task, to make you acknowledge how rare it is to find them in someone else. Here they are, these objects of joy, obvious as ever now that they’re out of reach, now that they’re being withheld.
Try to regain what you’ve lost but have trouble expressing yourself. Choose all the wrong words; speak your own limited language. You’ll mean to say, “I’m keeping busy,“ or “How was your day?” or “I’ve been reading this fantastic book you’d like; you should borrow it,” but all of the sentiments just spill out of your mouth as “I miss you.” Every gap in conversation caulked with “I miss you.” You’ll momentarily question where all of your other thoughts went, you had them five minutes ago but these three words are all you can manage to articulate.
Miss someone until they come back, or until you come back, until their absence in your life becomes something to be avoided at all costs. Miss them until you don’t have to anymore, until you’re reunited in your favorite booth in your favorite restaurant ordering your favorite meal, miss them until it feels like you never left. Or miss them until you can’t anymore, until the things you miss are identified and cataloged as things and not a person, until you figure out that easy company and long talks and unblinking, all-knowing eye contact will find you again the way they found you the first time. Miss someone until you don’t.
