With every glance, I’m brought back to the past.
I’ve been wondering if I should blog these feelings all day. Not knowing if it will help or just put them into physical form meaning they can’t just be filed away and forgotten as easily… but it’s nagging in the back of my head so, here goes.
With each passing day, the memories of why I can’t let him go are fading and the reasons why I want to run away from him as fast as I can are floating around in front of my every thought.
I wonder why I’ll always have a very special place in my heart for him. Today, he was with me on my way home. And though I have embarrassed myself in front of him for slipping a lot (his backpack saved me, and he had to assist me because my knees were shaking), that small act of kindness made my heart light up. Why? I had this huge grin on my face. Why? It’s the first time he had held my hand. When he said my name, as if taunting my clumsiness, my heart skipped a beat. He distracted me by saying he’ll buy me mojos, my favorite snack, if I don’t slip on my next step. And deep inside, I was so ecstatic that he remembered that detail about me and then I realized he had the exact same grin on his face.
He is the same boy I fell in love with almost two years ago. Yes, he was just being a gentleman. Yes, he remembers everyone’s favorite snack. Yes, we did not plan on going home together. But I have to admit, every single time I’m with him, I’m happy. He can make me smile even on my grumpiest mood.
Or maybe this is me just missing all the times we’ve spent together when we were so close. We’ve lost that. I’ve lost him.
And now he’s back. As shallow as it may seem, he and his company are the highlights of my day.
Now I know why I remember him every time I hear the song ‘Terrified’. Aside from being the only song we’ve sung in public.
“You set it again, my heart’s in motion. Every word feels like a shooting star. I’m at the edge of my emotions, watching the shadows burning in the dark, and I’m in love.”
“So don’t you doubt what I’ve been dreaming, ‘cause it fills me up and holds me close whenever I’m without you.”
No matter where life takes me, no matter where we end up, I will always look back with happiness. Because, no matter what, he has been a part of my life.
And he will always be.